LATKAPALOOZA and the delicious lead up to all things Festival of Lights. Yes we will feed you.
I met Lenny Kravitz.
Well not “met” so to speak. I spoke with Lenny Kravitz. But like spoke through a third party that was conveying his……… let us say “distaste” not to be confused with “Disdain’ of my proposal. Not even an Indecent one, shocking. Before I didn’t meet and or speak with Lenny (that’s what I was told to call him by society in general, not by anyone specific) I cooked for him. That last sentence is not only true but also accurate, shocking. He had come into the Mercer Kitchen at the Mercer Hotel in SOHO where I was cooking. Not only was I cooking but I was also a young burgeoning hot mess of a gorgeous line cook that shockingly had not yet quite become a locally recognized “Wonderful and Generous Storied Lover” that you all know me as. BUT I was in heavy training mode but not really. Shocking.
So hear I am cooking for the likes of Heather Graham and Natalie Portman and Robert DeNiro and Julia child and Jacques Pepin and Madonna and Leonard Cohen (I don’t like to name drop and neither does Lady Gaga) and so on and Mr. Kravitz of course comes waltzing in with Baz Luhrman etc and etc to eat Jean-Georges Vongerichten’s epic Wasabi Pizza’s, Truffle Pizza’s, Rare Tuna Springrolls and Raw Mushroom & Fennel Salad’s of course. They eat, they leave, but that’s not the end of the story stormy morning glory………………
Some agent Lady comes back the next day and lo and behold I am the kitchen chef dude at this very point in time and she say’s to me “Lenny absolutely loved the food and would “You be interested in being his personal chef while he is in town” something something something and then she goes on to say that “It is uncanny how much You and Lenny look alike and are literally the same person”. True true true true I am thinking to myself. She asks for a proposal and a menu and gives me her deets (Deets is what we call details in the Biz. (biz is what we call The Business in the Biz)).
I go deep. I need this. I want this more than the Whitehouse (see previous award winning substack here). This would literally launch my (non existant) sex appeal IMMEDIATELY into the stratosphere of greatest lover of all time. It doesn’t. I send over all my deepest darkest desires of food and dishes and I do so much research, even before the internet even before YAHOO even before Ask Jeeves. I spend $727 at Kitchen Arts and Letters (if you are a cookbook snob please go here. If you want to buy me gifts please go here).
I pour my heart out and I send it all over and I even colate it in a Duotang folder which is absolutely the last time I have ever used a Duotang and or uttered the word until just now. Mr. Kravitz, in all his Kravitzy Glory simply says “Thanks but we have chosen to go in another direction”.
Sooooooooooooooooooo the takeaway here is that I am a self made Generous and Talented Lover and I have done it all myself without absolutely no help from my Doppelganger Lenny Kravitz. You are welcome to all that those have endured ME and I am sorry to my Mother whom has cringed reading this and Please know that my Girlfriend Dorian has read this and even though she is not happy with it and even though she agrees with me that I am indeed an extremely Generous & Talented Loving Lover she is very undestanding with a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE Eye Roll and an UGH. Thanks DoDo 🦤 .
I would very much like to welcome you all to…….…….
LATKAPALOOZA YAY…………..
(yes I know I spelled Latke as Latka but rest assured that “Latkapalooza” sounds a lot better than “LatkePalooza” so here we are. You gotta stick with the bit!!!!!)
Hannukah Preorders and LATKAPALOOZA DELIGHTS ← Order Here
A few things you should know about Hannukah and Catering this year.
1-Hannukah starts on December 24th
2-Schmaltz Appetizing will be Open December 24th and 25th for all sorts of Hannukah and Latkapalooza Goodness. We will have all the usual Schmaltz Goodness delicacies Pre Packed and ready for you to pick up for your Hannukah Celebrations……. BUT………. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PREORDER HERE OK ←
3-Schmaltz Appetizing will NOT BE SERVING BAGEL SANDWICHES as the majority of our Employees will be celebrating Christmas. YAY YAY YAY HAPPY HOLIDAYS
4-WE WILL HAVE OTHER FOODS TO NOSH SO DON’T YOU WORRY. Like a few awesome yummy things like Smoked Meat Sandwiches?! Like Latkas?! Like Chopped Liver?! Like Hot Dogs?! I think you see where I am going with this.
5-Now this is Important so PAY ATTENTION TO ME. For the Next three weeks You will be getting a Newsletter from me Dropping some Delicious Drip of a Hint for the upcoming LATKAPALOOZA Menu to look forward to at our LATKAPALOOZA celebration. You can PRE ORDER Hannukah Goodness anytime you like, like whenever you want.
6-I will be at Schmaltz Appetizing for all your LATKAPALOOZA Lucky Lucky People. We can Schmooze, we can Hug, I can Sign Autographs, We can Dance, We can Kiss but just like only a Peck on the Cheek or if you are Dorian then we can French. PRE ORDER HERE FOR LATKAPALOOZA AND HUGS AND KISSES ←
Delicatessen Delicacies Divinely Delicious
Shaved House Made Smoked Meat Pastrami Double Kimmel Rye Bread
My art is getting better and trippier and better with many many a trips IYKYK
2 Wienies of a steamie loaded BUT ABSOLUTELY NO KETCHUP, meal for some but just a mid day snack for this guy.
we. will. be. married. soon. we. will. be. one. soon.
Boujie Boujee Boojie for all those that imbibe youst abide by the rules aforementioned but I probs forgot. TBD
Let us Tipple together when we shall hug and kiss and drink and schmeck with a little neck.
this is just very extremely funny to me. please share. and laugh. me and my best friend and current lover
no fashion sense.
extreme fashion sense.
i have lost both of these glasses, please buy them for me and drop them off at schmaltz during latkapalooza thanks so much. Fashion up front business in the back.